Why things are not simply good or bad..

Many of you don’t know the full story of what I’ve been through these last couple of years. It’s easy to preach love and light from your beach house in Bali and become a spiritual life coach.. Some people have been given a nice hand of cards.. Some have not.. They all serve their purpose. If you are served well by a coach with the life experience of a dish rag, all the better, but many of the clients that I interact with have been through hell in one way or another..

10 years ago I found myself in Arizona. Just married to my then-husband. 

2 years later I got pregnant..

During the pregnancy I discovered infidelity and got gaslit into believing that it was all in my head. By this point I had gotten used to walking on eggshells and gaslighting.. 

Nora was born and I quickly found myself walking on eggshells even more, exhausted, dealing with PTSD from the abuse.. And a highly sensory challenged child. She was sensitive to light, sound, everything.. And she would cry for hours on end.. Raising her was all consuming… 

I discovered more infidelity when Nora was 7 months old, again I was gaslit into thinking that it was all in my head but this time the other woman got pregnant, this time I left for a few weeks, back to my home country of Belgium.. And then I returned to the USA.. 

What followed after that were months and month of brainwashing, gaslighting, verbal abuse, barricading myself with my baby/toddler in my arms in the bedroom to hide from an angry spouse, post traumatic stress that started to build up, fearing for my life as his erratic behavior got worse, death threats, being physically threatened, threats of being locked up if I didn’t listen, threats of my daughter being taken from me if I tried to run.. Being gaslit into thinking I was crazy, that nothing was going on. I wanted to die and started thinking of ways to kill myself.. Quickly so it would be over with right away. But then I couldn’t because what of my daughter..

Nora started getting seizures from the ongoing trauma, she would injure herself on furniture, she would scream without stopping.. 

I hid the gun and after that the aftermath followed, a furious rage and threats to go shoot my dog in the desert, more threats of my daughter being taken from me, my little 2 year old girl physically standing in between myself and her dad to try to stop the altercations.. 

And then I realized that I had to go or I would die… if not right away,.. Eventually.. I had to take her and go. And so I did.. 

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2018 and I was back in my home country of Belgium, exhausted, depleted, and severely traumatized and mentally paralyzed, both myself and my daughter were scarred for life. Suffering from PTSD, easily startled and extremely withdrawn we started to build up our lives again.. But he broke us in a way that was unrepairable.. God knows I tried for 7 years.. But what was once a blissful mother-daughter bond, for the first 7 months of her life, was now broken, we were both constantly dealing with PTSD, anger about the injustice that we endured, and a long road of healing was ahead of us. People often come to me with their personal problems asking me “How can I forgive them, they did this or this or that to me?” But you can, because you are then giving yourself permission to be happy again.

Communication with my ex started up again, carefully at first. Was he “a bad man”? Is anybody ever only good or bad? Nobody is only good or bad. He was traumatized himself. And after that, therapy followed, both for him in Arizona, as for my daughter in Belgium.. And my therapy was my job, praying, channeling, painting, serving Source, throwing myself at my spiritual work. And the birth of my 2nd child Ian…

Until cracks also started to appear in that relationship, the relationship with my new partner was not abusive in the same sense, but it was one of imbalance, where it simply became clear that we were not meant to stay together for longer than that, I was unable to support his life choices, he had expectations that I could not fulfill, and he was unable to support my life choices and visions and I had expectations that he could not fulfill, it was no longer a foundation for mutual growth. Our son was what bonded us and that was it. I had settled for the sake of my son, something I had reluctantly accepted.

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Until the summer of 2021 when an old akashic records client of mine came to me for a 2nd akashic records reading which revealed a lot of information and unlocked a lot of codes of remembrance for both of us. Pandora’s box was opened and what was now seen could not be unseen, I suddenly saw my life for what it was, settling, staying in my comfort zone, working a part time muggle job to pay bills, which was inadvertently keeping my spiritual business small, keeping my light small. And here was this man who loved me unconditionally for who I was, even though I was still discovering who that was, he already saw me, and I him. There were no expectations whatsoever. There was only mutual support and wanting to help each other grow..

He understood the ptsd that both me and Nora suffered from, I was able to open up my heart to this man and receive my twin flame, only because I had gone through such accelerated growth and took on many obstacles to clear and neutralize old karma and lessons.. There was only 1 way and it was forward, with him. 

And so we started our lives together and my spiritual business took off, it’s all very simple really, a simple math formula, take what is not working out of the equation, and make the thing you want more of bigger, my light, and so my work took off, I started living my soul purpose, and our personal spiritual growth took off, and our unconditional love remained a constant silver lining throughout the last year. A silver lining that became the support for much healing and releasing of the trauma that happened to me and Nora.. Nick became the constant foundation of love and support, a bastion of healthy masculine energy that offers warmth, healing and protection and emotional safety, even in silence the support and unconditional love and patience was never ending. There was no other option, the only option was forward together. 

I left my son in Belgium when I moved to Spain, something many people can not understand. But life is not black or white, choices are not black or white, feelings are not black or white.. There are many gray zones that people can not understand if they’re not in it themselves. A thing or person is never only “good” or “bad”, and that is why I am now mentoring people, coaching people, because I am the coach that will tell you that the shit that you are going through will make you stronger. And I didn’t just read it in a book or on my instagram feed.. I am now stronger because through the threats, fear, abuse, sacrifices that I have been asked to make, I prayed, I meditated, I called upon all my guidance and help and they all showed up for me… THEY are the ones that pulled me out of the mess I was in.. THEY orchestrated the plan to bring me to safety.. THEY are always there for me, my spirit guides and angels, the guides beyond the veil. And I am stronger because I have never stopped believing that I was loved and held by God. Even in my darkest moments. I digress .. back to what I was saying.. 

You may see me and see that I left my son with my ex, and that I took my daughter.. and wonder why..

My son had people who would die for him and take care of him ..always.. my daughter had me.. and that was it, that’s how it’s always been, ever since 2014 when I brought her into this world.

And you may see that my daughter spends a lot of time on her own playing.. You may see that I am easily overwhelmed and easily tired.. You can put labels on it, you can judge me.. But you don’t see the post traumatic stress that I deal with every day, when someone speaks loudly I startle, when someone yells (what seems to be the common way of talking to one another here in Spain where I now live) I get anxiety and my heart starts racing.. When there are people behind me I get nervous, I will never sleep with my head pointing at the door, I will never sit on a chair with my back facing the door when I am on my own, I can’t drive a car at age 35 due to the PTSD from being screamed at repeatedly behind the wheel, with a baby in the backseat.. On the freeway. 

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And yet here I am.. Doing some of the craziest stuff I’ve ever done in my life.. living my life, actually living it, not surviving. Actually living it, on a farm, surrounded by good people, surrounded by my love and nature and animals, and all options wide open for me. Serving Source and helping people find their Highest Self. All of this brought me here to help those who need my help,

I am actually rebuilding a civilized connection again with the father of my daughter who is incarcerated in an Arizona prison. I will never be gaslit by him again, never be manipulated, hurt or ruined by him again, because I now scan every word that people say to me and look for manipulations.. Thank you ptsd, but, I see through it now. And I believe that losing his daughter traumatized him as well.. And made him see what he had done. Both of them require a deep healing of their connection, something I encourage. So if you see me, and my daughter.. And wonder why we can’t laugh together.. Play together.. Relax together.. Too much has happened between us, our bond is fragile because ever since she was 7 he took that from us and turned what was supposed to be a nice mother-daughter bond, into one of survival and pain and taking out ptsd triggers on each other. And I feel very sad about that. All I wanted was to be a good mother.. But what is a good mother? .. 

It is knowing what is best for your children.. Would dragging my 2 year old son along with me from place to place, country to country, house to house.. Have been good for him. No.. So I left my little boy, the most perfect peaceful little boy, who was extremely close with his dad, my ex in Belgium, who was ready and willing to be that great dad that every boy needs and wants.. Being a good mother was leaving him in the care of this man. And so I left, hoping to stay in contact with my son, but unfortunately my ex was incapable of staying in contact with me due to his own emotions getting in the way, I can start labeling him as good or bad, as fair or unfair.. But I won’t. All I know is that my son is well taken care of, loved and healthy. And it breaks my heart every day that I can not be with him, or even receive a picture of him. Not a day goes by that his face is not etched in my brain when I go to sleep at night, but I know that he is in good hands and that he will come back to me one day, something I know for a fact. And he will understand why I did the things I did, and that things are not just black or white, good or bad. 

This year has revealed that although my passion is helping others to heal and find their way in life. That I had to also heal and find my own way in life. And who better to reveal this to me than my perfect mirror, Nick, my other half. Something that took me years to heal, years to look at.. Is now being looked at, healed, integrated, and he didn’t even have to do anything, just be himself, be present, be Nick.. It’s been insane, it’s been a lot, but he will never quite understand how much his presence has meant for mine and Nora’s healing this last year. Something I hope I am able to give in return. 

Love was my salvation, first the love of God, the love of Self, and then the love of Nick, all come from the same source, and all are the same.